The Birdie has questions, lots of questions, about Westmoreland County attendance limits

Thursday, October 15, 2020 | 1:46 PM

Last week: 11-1 (91.7 %)

Season: 45-20 (69.2 %)

With his calculator in hand and his smart-guy glasses on, the Birdie attempted to figure out the attendance figures for each area stadium given the 25% capacity guideline announced last week by the state.

Westmoreland’s wonder boy might be a former homecoming king, but he is no mathlete.

He does know a 25% off sale at the dollar store gives him cash to burn and that one-fourth of a 12-cut pizza is called an appetizer.

“One-fourth,” he said. “That’s like from the end zone to the 25-yard line. Just outside of a touchback. I’ve had some college.”

A part-timer tells the Birdie 25% is the chance his WPIAL bowl games idea has of happening — on Mars. The planet, not the school.

“Haha, we’re all comedians,” Birdie said.

The Birdie, who is slowly improving on his record as teams reveal their true identities — he won 11 of 12 with his only slip-up a Valley loss to Derry — tried to get into Gov. Wolf’s most recent Zoom meeting because he had some questions.

He, of course, was denied access.

The Birdie likes to dish out the tough questions, the ones others are thinking but don’t ask.

“About this 25%, does this count pets?” Birdie said, practicing talking to Mr. Wolf in the bathroom mirror. “A friend of mine from Southmoreland has an actual Scottie dog and wants to bring it to the Grimm. A super fan of mine has a parrot he calls ‘Birdie’ and wants to know if said fowl will count toward the crowd total. Great bird. Reads me. Lines his cage with my column.”

There’s more.

“And what about goats?” the Birdie said, holding up a stick-figure goat he sketched on the reporter’s notebook he lifted from the supply drawer. He also “borrowed” a Sharpie.

“I mean, look at Norwin. They have seven rented goats that prune and manicure the shrubbery on the hillside above Knights Stadium. Do they count toward the 25%? I hate to keep bringing up those goats but … they have goats, man.”

The investigative journalist in him also uncovered two additional critters lurking around Norwin’s stadium: a gopher and a fox.

“That’s two more,” Birdie said. “Do they each get two tickets for their parents? If each animal at Norwin gets two tickets, that’s 18 additional beings in the stands. I need answers.”

Back to reality, the “G.O.A.T.” is ready to chew on the cud of Week 6. Post haste.

Norwin (1-4, 1-4) at Mt. Lebanon (2-2, 2-2): Mt. Lebanon should win the battle up front but look for Norwin to put some points on the board. Mt. Lebanon, 28-14

Connellsville (0-5, 0-3) at Penn-Trafford (3-1, 2-0): After a week off, Penn-Trafford will get the offense revved up again and keep that bell ringing again at Warrior Stadium. Penn-Trafford, 46-6

Latrobe (2-2, 1-1) at Franklin Regional (3-2, 1-2): These teams have played close in recent games, which make the Birdie anxious. He likes the Panthers’ defense making the difference. Franklin Regional, 20-13

Belle Vernon (4-1, 4-1) at Trinity (3-2, 2-2): Trinity isn’t a bad team, and the Leopards had better not take the Hillers lightly. Belle Vernon’s linebackers will keep the Hillers’ offense off the field. Belle Vernon, 30-6

Greensburg Salem (1-4, 1-4) at Mars (4-1, 4-1): Mars has handled teams that Greensburg Salem has lost to, and that doesn’t bode well for the Golden Lions. Mars, 43-6

Elizabeth Forward (4-0, 3-0) at Mt. Pleasant (4-1, 4-0): Mt. Pleasant will get its toughest test of the season. The Warriors know how to play defense and are good at slowing the run. Elizabeth Forward, 20-18

Ligonier Valley (2-2) at Waynesburg (0-5): Ligonier Valley might lead the WPIAL in miles traveled in its first year back in the league in five decades. The Rams will lead this game in yards. Ligonier Valley, 28-14

Bishop Canevin (3-1, 2-1) at Jeannette (4-1, 4-1): Jeannette has looked impressive with a light crowd in the stands. Now, there will be some noise at McKee Stadium. Jeannette, 38-7

Clairton (4-0, 4-0) at Greensburg CC (2-3, 2-3): Clairton simply has too much size and speed for the Centurions, who haven’t been the same since losing some key players to injury. Clairton, 48-6

Valley (1-3) at Yough (1-4): Yough should be able to run the football, but the Cougars have to reduce penalties and force the Vikings to make some. Yough, 24-14

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